| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|09:31 am] |
I had been planning a trip out to Oregon for next month. A little trip to see if Malynda and I were as compatible as it seemed we were. But thats all over now. I chose my Job over anything else.
See? In the past I have always gotten these really good jobs, and then left them just as I was starting to make something of it. And it was always for some woman. I left Wal-Mart for Jen, just 2 months before I was supposed to go into management training. I left the Country Club for Stephanie, just when they were discussing making me a Department Head. And every time it was the same old thing. I had to find a new job, start along the bottom, and work my way back up. I just don't want to do that anymore. Hell, I don't have the energy to do that anymore.
Which is why when Stephanie and I split a few months back, I broke my old pattern. I did not quit my job and move back to PA. Where my family is. Where my friends are. Where I know people and they know me. No. I dug in, found a place to land, and kept right on going. I found out I can count on the people I know up here. I found a Nice place to live.
And it paid off. Two weeks later I was promoted to Floor Manager and moved to a bigger store. My salary has more than doubled. I have more responsibilities and more benefits. And I truly enjoy my job. I know how rare that is in this world.
I am in a good position with this company and I know I can rise quickly. In 5 years I will be a Store Manager. It would be reckless and foolish to give that up with the way things are. I like knowing I can count on a good steady paycheck every week. Health Insurance. Life Insurance.
Oh my gods! I'm an adult.
And as such I am entitled to have things the way I want them. My Job. My house. The type of woman I want. I don't have to settle for things. Now I am not talking about a life lived of instant gratification. But If I am paying the bill, the light over the bathroom sink can stay on all night.
For right now, My life is my own. And I like it. |
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| Ahhh... |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|09:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
Finally some relief. Finally some down time where I don't have 9 things all going at once. I can just sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and reflect on things a bit.
Even though there have been rough spots along the way from Steph and I splitting up to where I sit now, it has been pretty good all in all. My cell phone died and I am waiting for another to be shipped and activated, but in the meantime I am virtually cut off from the world. I do have this box, and in an Emergency I could be gotten a hold of at work. Fuck it. It's only another week.
My promotion at work not only comes with significantly more money, there are more challenges as well. I am finding that not only do I like it, I am good at it. And it's not just the telling other people what to do. Keeping track of all the stock. Knowing where everyone is and what they're doing on the sales floor. Keeping customer interest with displays and merchandising. There is always something to do. And always a reason to keep moving.
My apartment is fantastic. I now have a functional and working kitchen. Complete with pots and pans, dishes, silverware, a brew station, toaster, mini crock pot, table chairs, Garbage can, and can opener. It's amazing the things you don't realize when you are starting over. I mean, I haven't really lived on my own since College. I am really enjoying being able to put things where I want them to be. I just didn't realize I would need so much.
On the creative side... not much. I have a few story ideas rolling around in my head, but nothing concrete. I play with the camera some on interior shots and country scenes, but I would rather have a live model. Ah well, waiting is.
So I hope everyone out there is in a good mood and doing well. |
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| general wierdness... |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|10:28 pm] |
I spoke with my new landlord this evening. I go and sign the rental agreement and make my security deposit on friday. I can move into the place on September 1st. I won't talk about how awesome it is or how cheap the rent. it tends to make at least one of my dear readers a little pissy. heh. But I am pretty excited about the whole thing.
And fate has seen fit to whack me upside the head with a very large skillet here just recently. putting me into a happy frame of mind. one which freaks my temporary room mate right out. "who sings along with muzak? knock it the hell off!" I can't help it though. during what should probably be a real downer of a time for me, I keep smiling. bigger and bigger each day in fact.
more on that later. |
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| an Update |
[Jul. 28th, 2008|07:09 pm] |
Things are going very well for me here at the moment. I found an Apartment that is roughly twice the size of the place my soon to be ex-wife and I lived in. 2 bedrooms, living room, dinning room, dance hall sized bathroom, huge kitchen, and a deck. All for $450 a month. Oh, and 4 times as many closests and storage.
Work is going well, and all my friends and family have been so supportive.
I am moving forward with my life. |
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| A fond farewell... my ass. |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|07:31 pm] |
So it looks like this is my last night on-line for a while. The Place i am Moving into does not have internet access, unless I can find a hot spot. And my loving wife has decided tomorrow would be a much better day for my departure than Wednesday. I imagine this is all very difficult for her.
Oh well, "t'was best done quickly."
All my shit is packed. everything I own after working my ass off for 2 years made it to my new place in two very light carloads. That is beyond depressing. But I know that I will come out a stronger person on the other side.
and I have made myself a promise. I will not be furnishing my new apartment with cast offs. The furniture will match. The lamps will go nicely with everything. If it doesn't "go", I can do without.
Well, the last box is in the car. A last look around before I turn the lights off and go.
I can't help but believe that Stephanie has made the biggest mistake of all our lives. And it's already too late.
Oh, well. It is what it is. We move on.
See you all in a few weeks. |
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| My Official Statement. |
[Jul. 12th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
Yes, it's true. My wife and I are splitting up. We are just too different, and don't live well together as Man and Wife. No one shoulders all the blame. No one person is completely at fault. It is what it is.
We are both being adult and responsible and very careful of the others wants and needs. I am staying here until Friday. That gives me almost a week to pack up what I am taking, and find a place to land. There doesn't need to be any bullshit or arguing. Stephanie and I were friends for a long time before becoming a couple. We can be friendly for a week ,I'm sure.
I will not be bashing her or speculating publicly on any of her choices.
Thank you for your attention. |
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| Home Again...home again... jiggitty jig. |
[Jun. 29th, 2008|07:17 pm] |
Ahhh. Back Home again. The car and all the totes are unpacked and our lives are put back as they belong. My work clothes are in the dryer. Dinner is done and cleaned up. Alec is washed up and doing his downtime before bed. A good time to smoke a joint and reflect back on the trip.
We left Perry, NY at exactly 3:30pm on Friday the 20th, and drove the four and a half hours down to my Mother's house in Pennsylvania. Along the way we stopped at my buddies for a small bag of goodies. Steph and my sister Lynn headed off to do the final grocery run, while Lynn's fiance Mark, my nephew Shaun, and I loaded and packed everything else. Once the ladies returned and the coolers were packed, we all settled down to a good nights sleep.
9:15am the following morning we all loaded into the vehicles and headed out on the road. Our little caravan stopped just once for gas, across the river in new York. And once more 2 and a half hours later for lunch. Alec went up to ride with Lynn, Mark, and Shaun. Which gave Steph and I a bit of alone time. We smoked a joint and babbled at one another. The excitement levels were high.
We got to the little beach house around 5 pm and everyone was involved for an hour so with emptying out totes and filling closets and cupboards and dressers. Making the house our temporary home for the next week. Once that was done it was make a pot of coffee and head for the beach. Coffee cups in hand we marched only as far as across the street to sink our toes into the sand.
It was starting to cool down after a day of the sun beating down, and it felt wonderful.
Alec and Mark wasted no time wading in to play among the waves. mark went in with his jeans on and holding his coffee cup. I have some great shots of it . Him Standing up to his knees in the ocean holding a cup of coffee. He is going to fit into our family just fine.
I think that night the adults were more ready for bed than the kids were. The house was silent and buttoned up before 9:30.
Mom arrived the following evening and her and Stephanie got drunk together on a bottle and a half of wine. It was good to see them both so happy. Mom was regaling us all with her stories and Steph would keep both of thier glasses full. Clean ice for Mom as well. Not only was it hysterical, but also heartwarming to see the way Mom interacts with Stephanie. Mother and Daughter, rather than Daughter-in-Law.
After that a loose sort of routine developed. Alec, Stephanie, and I would, of course, be up first. Followed around 8 am by Mom. We 3 adults would sip our coffee on the screened in porch, while Alec played his DS. Lynn and Mark would be up around 9:30 or so and a huge country style breakfast would ensue. Eggs, bacon, french toast, regular toast, cereal and coffee. I would take my little "walk" down by the Basin, while everyone else got ready and then it would be off to the beach for 3 to 4 hours.
The afternoons were for napping and lounging on the porch.
Evenings for big dinners of barbeque and seafood and pizza. Wine and Margaritas. Spending time together.
So many wonderful moments and memories. I am sure it will take me a while to assimilate it all. |
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| A week or so at the beach. |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|11:14 am] |
We have been here at the beach for a few days now, and it has been an absolute blast.
Mornings waking up and having coffee and cigarettes out on the screened in porch.
The feel of the sea air as the day begins and we watch to see how the clouds will roll in or burn off, depending on the day.
Steph and my mom got drunk together the first night. A laugh filled evening of wine and clean ice and mom acting the queen while steph ran to make sure her glass stayed full.
Food, sun and surf to follow in an endless cycle of relaxation.
I have almost completely forgotten about work. Been too happy and mellow. Taking pictures. Playing with my boy. And enjoying my family.
That's all for now.
Have a good time. |
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| Sunday |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|07:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Closer-NIN | ] |
So far it has been a pretty good morning. Wake and bake and made the boy some French toast. Which makes me "Awesome Dad" for most of the rest of the day. Later on there will be a movie and the race. This is my last day off until I go on Vacation and i want to enjoy every moment of it.
Work is going to be a major pain in my ass from now until then, though. This week starts our big 40th Anniversary Sale. Our Biggest Ad of the year, by far. 6 pages I believe. Which means truck after truck of merchandise coming into the store. pallets of Sakrete and driveway sealer. My back will be screaming every day. And I will be loving it.
Bitching about it daily. But loving every minute of it.
12 days straight. And all I will think about is the 9 days off on a beach in northern Massachusetts that comes at the end of it.
Wriggling my fat little toes in the sand.
Seafood and barbecue.
Watching my wife in a cute little bikini.
That should keep me going. |
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| a good life is a choice |
[May. 31st, 2008|07:28 pm] |
I was thinking today about choices. Not the "hmmm. Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream?" kind of choices. But serious choices. Like the choice to have a good life or a shitty one.
See... I know a lot of people who walk around in a perpetual funk. Everything goes wrong in their lives. Everything is a problem. The worl is out to get them. And they just seem so beaten down and cynical all the time.
For instance, let me delve back into the little micro-cosim of my job...
We have this guy at work. A born again Christian who always thumps his bible at everyone. He goes on and on all the time about how Jesus brings happiness and peace into the lives of those who accept him. And yet this schlub is the most miserable person I have ever met. he wanted to be a musician, but his Father decided he should go to Art School and become a graphic designer. He hated it, but he did it for years. He married a woman who is more anal retentive than he is, and stayed in the marriage for his kids. Now, at 52 years old, his kids are grown and moved out and all he has is a wife who thinks he is an idiot and the broken dream of being a rock star. He hates his life and walks around with a dark cloud over his head all the time.
But the best part of it all is, he thinks his misfortune comes from something outside of himself.
He just doesn't get the fact that all his trouble is his own doing. A direct product of the decisions he himself has made.
Now my life isn't perfect by a long shot. And I have my bad days just like everyone else. Or bad moments I should say. I can get pissed off and run on a rant with the best of them. But I don't let it ruin my whole day. Or My week. Or my year. or my life.
I decide to just let it go. I decide to be happy.
I get up every morning and make a conscious decision to have a good day.
Simplistic I know. But fuck it. It works for me. |
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| Appearance is Everything. |
[May. 28th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
We had a kid come in this afternoon for a job interview. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans with a rip in the knee, a grungy t-shirt, and a wrinkled dress shirt over that which was about a size too small for him. He looked as if he had run his hands through his hair instead of a comb. And there was not even a trace of evidence a razor had touched his face in days.
This is how he came for a damned job interview.
And all I could think when I saw him was "what the hell is wrong with people anymore?"
And it isn't just this one incident. I look around at people on the street and what I see reminds me of a badly shot pearl jam video. Grunge. Apathy about personal appearance. That attitude of "I don't care what I look like. I ain't trying to impress anybody. if you don't like the way I look, too bad." Personally, I think it's pathetic.
Let's face a few facts people. Ours is a visual society. Somewhat shallow, I grant you that. But it is what it is. We are all of us judged in one respect or another by how we look. If you are approached by a man in a bar, it isn't because you have a degree in Philosophy. It's because he liked your ass, or your smile, or your eyes, or your cleavage. That degree might be what he likes about you a month later, but it is not what attracted him.
And trust me guys, unless you happen to be a dead ringer for some male GQ model, baggy jeans and a wife-beater are not going to get you the hot blonde you have been eyeing across the bar. She is more than likely going home with the guy in the slacks and shirt who doesn't look like an unemployed teenager who still lives with his mother.
Perception is everything. There is no way around it.
So I offer a few pieces of advice...
Think before you get dressed in the morning. if you are going out with friends, or a loved one, dress nicely. It doesn't have to be an evening gown or top hat and tails. But how you look is a reflection on those you are with. Those old sweats or old jeans may be comfortable, but you look like a slob. You can be comfortable in a nice outfit as well.
parent, the way you let your kids leave the house is important. It shows how you are as a parent. Letting your 13 year old daughter go out looking like Brittney Spears on a 3 day party binge shows you don't give a shit about the fact the world views her as a slut. And your little boy all decked out in the latest thug gear, just screams "I have lost control in my own house."
Ladies, when you are getting whistled at by young boys in cars because you have on your little skimpy tops and hip huggers. Ask yourself if those are the guys you really want giving you attention.
And guys, for fucks sake. You are not K-fed. Lose the baggy shorts and tank tops. Turn your freaking hat around the right way and grow up.
perception is everything. I am not saying it is right, or it's wrong. It just is what it is. |
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| A case of the blahs. |
[May. 16th, 2008|06:07 pm] |
I have had a bad case of the Blahs, here recently. I don't know if it's just getting older, or watching societies slow demise on the evening news and wishing it would hurry up and die already. I even feel emotionally detached from that. I just can't seem to work up a good head of steam over anything.
And there is so much to steam over too. that's what gets me. With all the readily available material right now, I should be able to rant on any number of topics. The upcoming election. The Democratic primary race. Over exurbanite gas prices. The list goes on and on. But lets be honest. Who really gives a crap? We can all see how bad it's gotten. We read the papers. Watch the news. The world is going to hell. It's a fact.
But I still have to get up and go to work tomorrow. I still have to try to support my family on the meager earnings the government leaves after taxes.
Food prices have gotten ridiculously high. That's true. But i still have to pay them and buy the food to feed my family. I can't say no that's too much and let my kid starve.
$4.00 a gallon for Gasoline. No freaking way! But what can I do? The option is walk to work... too far. Or quit my job because I can't afford the gas back and forth. And again the kid starves. Not an option.
So If I just have to put up with this, what is the point in bitching about it? That's my point.
My government doesn't care what i think, or what I need, or what i want. And today I am just not giving a shit right back at it. |
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| Unemployed, and happy about it! |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|08:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
I had the whole weekend off for a change this weekend.
Jamey and I headed down to PA on Saturday to pick up some building materials and bring my Mom some money. A good day.
Sunday we built a very cool Kitchen table that folds down out of the wall for the family to all be able to eat around at the same time. Another good day.
I needed the time away from work just to de-stress and get my head together.
But apparently while I was off all weekend, the company I work for decided to completely restructure all the departments.
My Manager decided to step all the way down to office drone rather than deal with the way things are heading around there. My whole team was disbanded and integrated into different contracts.
I was moved from the most lucrative contract and the winningest team, to the dead contract department. And the bonus I accumulated last month, dissappeared completely.
Anger was not a strong enough word for what I felt. They didn't even have a desk for me to sit at because at first, they forgot to assign me a team in the dept. This was the final straw with all the crap I have been eating around there this last month.
So I walked out. Just gathered up my personal shit and faded out the door.
So I am unemployed, but I am not worried about it.
Jamey has gotten me an interview for today at his company. A large Construction Company where I can swing hammers and do manly man things with tools and such.
So it all looks good. |
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| Hate my Job! |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|10:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
OK. So I really hate my job. It's not a bad job and the money is good. But I just don't feel it. Tracking down deadbeats and trying to get them to pay for something they don't care about just isn't my thing. I like he tracking down bit. Taking old information and finding some guy that really has tried his best not to be found. That part is fun. But I sit all day and the only thing I use my hands for is to click keys on a keyboard and dial a phone. Not very gratifying for a physically oriented person.
I need something a bit more "manly" I think. And I am not running down anyone who does office or techno work. It just doesn't do it for me. I need to come home at the end of the day and feel tired and sore because I accomplished something that day. And stress is fine, as long as it comes from a deadline or because I am holding a crossbeam for too long.
Oh well. This job got us caught up and through the winter. Spring will be here very soon and with it the oppurtunity to find some kind of hammer and nail based vocation.
And Sarah and Jamey and the boys will be here in 5 days and Stephanie and Alec and I will be moving into our new place. Perhaps that will all give me a new perspective. |
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| re-opened |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|03:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
ok. so the last time I posted, some serious self pity issues. Those days are gone. Have been for quite a while now.
I did not make a mistake.
I did not fuck up.
I made a decision to live a good life not to be lied to or manipulated any more.
It was a good decision.
The events of my life since bear witness to that. One look at the beautiful face on the pillow beside mine each night and the 8 yr old bear hug I get every morning are all the proof I need. |
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| Independance |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|04:05 pm] |
July 4th. Independance Day. For the country and for me. Today our nation celebrates it's Freedom from Tyrrany and Oppression. I will celebrate my freedom from illness.
Remission!!
It seems all my bitching and moaning and ranting on Sunday was all for naught. And I owe not only an apology, but my deepest grattitude to those "pedigreed morons" I was complaining about. They did actually know what they were doing.
So, to my Oncologist, Dr. Shaw; my Hemotologist, Dr. Bitteman; my Family Doctor; Dr. Freid; and especially Dr. Sherri; my "wellness Therapist", thank you all for giving me back my life. Dr Sherri informed me y'all have been reading this since the bee sting on tuesday. Sorry about Sunday. *smiles* I will bring doughnuts on Friday. Promise.
Ok. So some of you are confused. How come I feel like shit and yet I am in remission? Well, as it was explained to me, its because of the Chemo. Which I probably should have realized. Since even the lower doses of Epoetin and Imatinib they had me on when I was in Florida caused severe back pain, and a loss of energy as well as "circulatory" problems. More aggressive drugs and doses like the vinchristine, prednisone and others fuck up your body and some the mind.
But now its over. Maintenance doses for the next few months only. No more aggressive Chemo. No more Doctors. ( I thank you all, but I hope to never see some of you again. LOL.) well, except for 3 and 6 months check ups and the maintenance regime.
*sighs*
And now I have to keep my promise to Dr. Sherri... they made me healthy, and she made me promise I would say something if they did.
I never should have hidden this.
I still feel justified in not telling Mom, but not others. Especially you my Goddess. I should have told you the truth. Leaving the decision to you. Letting you decide if you wanted to stand by my side and fight with me. As I know you would have. Had you known, perhaps we would not have had half the issues we had since I found out. I don't know. I do know I would give anything to go back and do things very differently. Unfortunately I do not have that option and now have to make it through this life without you.
I love you.
I am so sorry.
Good luck.
*bows*
The Cult- Painted On My Heart.
I thought . . .you'd be out of my mind
And i'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you
I thought . . .it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you
But it's just not so
and after all this time
I still can't let go
I've still got your face
Painted on my heard
Carved upon my soul
Etched upon my memory . . .baby
And I've got your kiss
Still
Burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
Is left so deep inside of me . . .baby
I was trying
Everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to
I guess it's just no use
In every part of me
is still a part of you
And I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Carved upon my soul
Etched upon my memory . . .baby
And I've got your kiss
Still
Burning on my lips
The tough of her fingertips
Is left so deep inside of me . . .baby
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart . . .baby
Something in your eyes keeps haunting
Me
I'm trying to forget you
But I know there ain't no wayto
Chase you from my mind
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Carved upon my soul
Etched upon my memory . . .baby
And I've got your kiss
Still
Burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
Is left so deep inside of me . . .baby
I've still got your face
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my h-e-a-r-t
Baby
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Baby
Come on
Come on
Baby
Come on
Come on
Baby
On my h-e-a-r-t
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|03:09 pm] |
I am not getting my hopes up, but it seems some VERY good news has come my way this morning. Sort of a miracle actually, but as I told someone, miracles never happen for me and my family. So I will sit and wait for the results of todays bloodwork. And if they are right? People I am going to be one drunken fuckin mo0nkey tomorrow night. Keep fingers crossed. I have been through 2 of these false alarms so far. Another one would break me.
and this time no one around to talk the gun out of my hand.
think good thoughts for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|02:36 pm] |
It was a simple Comment. "I'm glad you're ok". I appreciated it. Yet it kept rolling around in my head.
I am definitely not, OK.
I am so freaking tired of being sick. Tired of Doctors and cell counts and pills and needles and treatment options and all this bullshit that has become my life. I am tired of having no energy. Feeling myself dwindle away and having all these degreed morons telling me I am getting better. When the fuck does that happen? It's been 6 months and regardless of what thier damned tests show, I feel worse. My god damned quality of life has not improved.
The fact that most of "treatment team" is female is the only thing that stops me from beating the piss out of all them.
I am tired of it all.
So freaking close somedays to just telling them all to go to fuck themselves. Keep thier drugs. Shove thier positive attitudes up thier collective asses. I'm out. Find myself a nice quiet mountaintop and lay down peacefully.
But I can't give up and do that to Mom. She lost one boy already and watched her daughter through 2 bouts of breast cancer and now MS. I can't even bring myself to tell her I am sick, much less let her find out I gave up.
And if I can make it through this. Maybe I can gain enough time in the rest of my life to convince the woman I love how truly sorry I am.
I know some of you are thinking this is a bit out of charactor for me. Ranting like this. Sorry.
I have just truly fucking had enough today. It wears on me somedays. Making sure I alienated everyone around me so they wouldn't have to watch me go through this sure does seem like a pretty fucked up plan right about now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|07:09 am] |
ANIMAL I HAVE BECOME- by Three Days Grace.
I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)
I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this animal
(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become) |
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